Rated R, 119 minutes
For those who may not be aware, there was an insanely popular and vacuous TV show called "Baywatch" in the 1990's, and it's the basis of the insanely dumb new comedy "Baywatch." Even with the star power of Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson and eye candy Zac Efron, this is a huge, pointless mess, and has such little brains it makes the original TV show look like "War & Peace."
Lifeguard Mitch Buchannon (Johnson) and a brash new recruit (Efron) and former Olympic medalist uncover a criminal plot from a lovely drug dealer ("Quantico's" ravishing Priyanka Chopra, wasted here) that threatens the future of the bay. It's up to the Baywatch team to stop her before she buys up the bay.
"Baywatch" gets my vote for the stupidist movie of the summer, maybe even of the year, and washes up on the summer box office a dead sea creature, having drowned in its own hype. Directed by Seth Gordon ("Pixels") and co-written by Mark Swift and Damian Shannon (the new "Friday the 13th"), on paper, the new movie remake of "Baywatch" could've worked the same as the recent "21 Jump Street" and its sequel, "22 Jump Street": as a lively, profane bro-comedy romp.
Instead, it's some silly malarkey about a drug dealer and the efforts of the Baywatch team to stop here. About 99% of it falls flat, not to mention most of the hijinks seen in trailers for the film don't even make into the film - they couldn't been any worse than lying in a morgue with corpses or putting Efron in drag, by far the worst, most useless thing in a film filled with useless stuff. Even with all the hot beach bods around, it's so pointless you may be prone to doze off a few times, something I admit to, especially in its first act.
"Baywatch" rides on the thin charms of star Johnson, mugging for the camera and taking this thing way, way too seriously, while Efron - like most of the audience - looks disinterested, even baffled through it all (and it's obvious from the sloppily staged action scenes that neither of them do their own stunts). The rest of the cast doesn't exactly help the film, with Alexandria Doddario and Kelly Rohrbach, as the resident T&A, in contention for Razzie Awards for worst supporting performances - for their acting, not their boobs (though that is a big part of their acting).
"Baywatch" also has cameos from original stars David Hasselhoff and Pamela Anderson, but they're so brief it may go over the heads of the younger set unfamiliar with the show. This film will likely make some money, but it's not just a disappointment, it's an embarrassment for all involved, and by far one of The Rock's worst films to date.
Stay far away: stay home and watch the TV show instead, or better yet, take a trip to a real beach.